Weight loss Journey

Does one ever not experience challenges with weight-either too much or too little. Are we ever content with who we are. My journey with weight started at birth at 4 lbs 4 oz I was tiny and had medical conditions with my heart that rendered me crippled till age 2-after 2 surgeries and much healing I was able to walk to talk to giggle to eat without tubes or any other supports. Then my adopted parents who thought I was tiny created the first fissure in my eating habits-they would force me to eat till I would throw up and then make me finish that which was left on my plate. My grandma was never like that and didnt like to see me being forced to finish. When I was full at her house it didnt matter what was on my plate I was DONE.
Then my parents divorced and my step mom started her journey of damage that would take over my life till I turned 15-eating became a defence, a way to avoid speaking of having to interact with a woman who for all intents and purposes was torturing me. Taped cupboards held no barrier for me-frozen lunches were tossed in favor of whatever I could make at home after school-taking whatever wouldnt be noticed immediately or that wasnt needed for dinner that night. I ate to live I lived to eat-I wasnt overweight but I wasnt concerned about watching what I was putting in my body.
Then foster care portion control chores and farm life-I looked good I ate even better-it was healthy wholesome and I didnt have to starve myself nor did I have to binge eat. I could eat when meals were on the table without feeling like an outsider. It was the first time I allowed myself the privledge of enjoying time with family. And allowed myself to enjoy food instead of using it as an obstacle or as a punishment.
When I lost my first baby I again turned to food-I wanted to experience the power of its comfort the security I knew from eating. I gained weight but still wasnt big.
Then my second loss and food became a defense from the pain-erasing memories each bite I took.
3 months after our wedding I was pregnant again and didnt really care what I looked like I was pregnant and could handle eating. Little did I know it was the start of my journey to being bigger than I had ever been in my life. After another pregnancy 15 months after our daughter was born I was already living a pattern of over eating of giving my body pleasure from food instead of reaching inside to the person I was masking with all the food.
I ballooned to just under 350 lbs and was shocked to see the weight plain as day on the scale-I bemoaned the fact that I couldnt be obese that I couldnt have diabetes that I couldnt have joint problems and all the other associated medical conditions. I thought I was doing great but inside I was destroying any last vestige of who I really was-defenseless I allowed food to control who I was-and it was safe - no one could get close-no hurt cause they couldnt really see me beyond the weight I was carrying. I was carrying a life sentence and didnt care that it was going to cause a lot of problems far beyond the ones I was already experiencing.
When the dr told me I was heavier than I had been 9 months pregnant and I had trouble keeping up with my kids and could hear people talking about my weight and teens teasing me about being FAT I lost it. I determined then and there to keep up with my kids to look those people in the face and tell them the truth-to go up to those teens and ask them how it felt to be talked about. I knew then that I had to go on a journey one that would take determination courage and constant vigilance if I was to ever get off the weight.
A journey started and over the last 5 yrs with encouragement from my family and determination I have managed to lose 110 lbs I still have 60-80 to go to reach my ideal weight-it has been anything but easy-I havent done a diet I havent joined a weight plan - its been me and GOD and being cognizant of what I am putting in my mouth. I still face many obstacles - I have to realize that when challenges come I dont need food to fill the gap. I have to realize when no one is around that I dont need to fill the silence with food. I can be content and full on life. I can eat 3 meals a day and feel safe knowing there will still be food tomorrow and the next day and the next day. That no one is going to take it away no one is going to beat me from it and that I can enjoy it. Emotionally eating has had many facets for me-tears, anger, sadness, joy, peace-I can go forward with my weight loss knowing not that I am doing it for others who probably couldnt care less what I do or dont do-strangers who once held so much power over me - now I am doing it for me for my health for my joy for my life. No longer held captive by the food but freed by the ability to make the right choices one meal at a time.