Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Christmas is Coming
Tis the season-to get even busier than we are now-seems like some things end for a time only to allow other events activities schedules to come in. We are done with Single Parents for the season-we meet again in January-we had our ladies brunch to end our bible study last week. So for now 2 things are done. Dh and I take a break in December for nursery and ushering. Seems like things are still busy kids school stuff to handle-Jordan will be skiing starting in a couple weeks. He is looking forward to it and cant wait to go to the mountains to ski at the end of the season. Caitlin is enjoying school going swimming and helping me with ministry. She has gotten to be such a great helper in nursery-I dont know what I would do without her. Cards to get done, gifts to wrap, people to see, things to do. Some days I wish I had more time other times I wish I had less. While we get caught up in all that has to be done I cant help but wonder what it was like when stores didnt exist, when people gathered in homes to celebrate Christ and not Christmas. Was it simpler than less planning less prep. Or was it just as busy as we are now just with a different focus. I am not sure but I do know that I am not willing to settle on anything less than giving GOD all the glory for this time. The stores will be there next yr as will everything else we think we need but GOD at this time of yr needs us to be closer to HIM than ever-and in this season of busyness-my heart and mind will be on GOD. Are you remembering why we have Christmas or like so many do you have your lists your schedule and are you just taking a few seconds mere moments to appreciate the reason this season even exists.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Weight loss Journey
Does one ever not experience challenges with weight-either too much or too little. Are we ever content with who we are. My journey with weight started at birth at 4 lbs 4 oz I was tiny and had medical conditions with my heart that rendered me crippled till age 2-after 2 surgeries and much healing I was able to walk to talk to giggle to eat without tubes or any other supports. Then my adopted parents who thought I was tiny created the first fissure in my eating habits-they would force me to eat till I would throw up and then make me finish that which was left on my plate. My grandma was never like that and didnt like to see me being forced to finish. When I was full at her house it didnt matter what was on my plate I was DONE.
Then my parents divorced and my step mom started her journey of damage that would take over my life till I turned 15-eating became a defence, a way to avoid speaking of having to interact with a woman who for all intents and purposes was torturing me. Taped cupboards held no barrier for me-frozen lunches were tossed in favor of whatever I could make at home after school-taking whatever wouldnt be noticed immediately or that wasnt needed for dinner that night. I ate to live I lived to eat-I wasnt overweight but I wasnt concerned about watching what I was putting in my body.
Then foster care portion control chores and farm life-I looked good I ate even better-it was healthy wholesome and I didnt have to starve myself nor did I have to binge eat. I could eat when meals were on the table without feeling like an outsider. It was the first time I allowed myself the privledge of enjoying time with family. And allowed myself to enjoy food instead of using it as an obstacle or as a punishment.
When I lost my first baby I again turned to food-I wanted to experience the power of its comfort the security I knew from eating. I gained weight but still wasnt big.
Then my second loss and food became a defense from the pain-erasing memories each bite I took.
3 months after our wedding I was pregnant again and didnt really care what I looked like I was pregnant and could handle eating. Little did I know it was the start of my journey to being bigger than I had ever been in my life. After another pregnancy 15 months after our daughter was born I was already living a pattern of over eating of giving my body pleasure from food instead of reaching inside to the person I was masking with all the food.
I ballooned to just under 350 lbs and was shocked to see the weight plain as day on the scale-I bemoaned the fact that I couldnt be obese that I couldnt have diabetes that I couldnt have joint problems and all the other associated medical conditions. I thought I was doing great but inside I was destroying any last vestige of who I really was-defenseless I allowed food to control who I was-and it was safe - no one could get close-no hurt cause they couldnt really see me beyond the weight I was carrying. I was carrying a life sentence and didnt care that it was going to cause a lot of problems far beyond the ones I was already experiencing.
When the dr told me I was heavier than I had been 9 months pregnant and I had trouble keeping up with my kids and could hear people talking about my weight and teens teasing me about being FAT I lost it. I determined then and there to keep up with my kids to look those people in the face and tell them the truth-to go up to those teens and ask them how it felt to be talked about. I knew then that I had to go on a journey one that would take determination courage and constant vigilance if I was to ever get off the weight.
A journey started and over the last 5 yrs with encouragement from my family and determination I have managed to lose 110 lbs I still have 60-80 to go to reach my ideal weight-it has been anything but easy-I havent done a diet I havent joined a weight plan - its been me and GOD and being cognizant of what I am putting in my mouth. I still face many obstacles - I have to realize that when challenges come I dont need food to fill the gap. I have to realize when no one is around that I dont need to fill the silence with food. I can be content and full on life. I can eat 3 meals a day and feel safe knowing there will still be food tomorrow and the next day and the next day. That no one is going to take it away no one is going to beat me from it and that I can enjoy it. Emotionally eating has had many facets for me-tears, anger, sadness, joy, peace-I can go forward with my weight loss knowing not that I am doing it for others who probably couldnt care less what I do or dont do-strangers who once held so much power over me - now I am doing it for me for my health for my joy for my life. No longer held captive by the food but freed by the ability to make the right choices one meal at a time.
Then my parents divorced and my step mom started her journey of damage that would take over my life till I turned 15-eating became a defence, a way to avoid speaking of having to interact with a woman who for all intents and purposes was torturing me. Taped cupboards held no barrier for me-frozen lunches were tossed in favor of whatever I could make at home after school-taking whatever wouldnt be noticed immediately or that wasnt needed for dinner that night. I ate to live I lived to eat-I wasnt overweight but I wasnt concerned about watching what I was putting in my body.
Then foster care portion control chores and farm life-I looked good I ate even better-it was healthy wholesome and I didnt have to starve myself nor did I have to binge eat. I could eat when meals were on the table without feeling like an outsider. It was the first time I allowed myself the privledge of enjoying time with family. And allowed myself to enjoy food instead of using it as an obstacle or as a punishment.
When I lost my first baby I again turned to food-I wanted to experience the power of its comfort the security I knew from eating. I gained weight but still wasnt big.
Then my second loss and food became a defense from the pain-erasing memories each bite I took.
3 months after our wedding I was pregnant again and didnt really care what I looked like I was pregnant and could handle eating. Little did I know it was the start of my journey to being bigger than I had ever been in my life. After another pregnancy 15 months after our daughter was born I was already living a pattern of over eating of giving my body pleasure from food instead of reaching inside to the person I was masking with all the food.
I ballooned to just under 350 lbs and was shocked to see the weight plain as day on the scale-I bemoaned the fact that I couldnt be obese that I couldnt have diabetes that I couldnt have joint problems and all the other associated medical conditions. I thought I was doing great but inside I was destroying any last vestige of who I really was-defenseless I allowed food to control who I was-and it was safe - no one could get close-no hurt cause they couldnt really see me beyond the weight I was carrying. I was carrying a life sentence and didnt care that it was going to cause a lot of problems far beyond the ones I was already experiencing.
When the dr told me I was heavier than I had been 9 months pregnant and I had trouble keeping up with my kids and could hear people talking about my weight and teens teasing me about being FAT I lost it. I determined then and there to keep up with my kids to look those people in the face and tell them the truth-to go up to those teens and ask them how it felt to be talked about. I knew then that I had to go on a journey one that would take determination courage and constant vigilance if I was to ever get off the weight.
A journey started and over the last 5 yrs with encouragement from my family and determination I have managed to lose 110 lbs I still have 60-80 to go to reach my ideal weight-it has been anything but easy-I havent done a diet I havent joined a weight plan - its been me and GOD and being cognizant of what I am putting in my mouth. I still face many obstacles - I have to realize that when challenges come I dont need food to fill the gap. I have to realize when no one is around that I dont need to fill the silence with food. I can be content and full on life. I can eat 3 meals a day and feel safe knowing there will still be food tomorrow and the next day and the next day. That no one is going to take it away no one is going to beat me from it and that I can enjoy it. Emotionally eating has had many facets for me-tears, anger, sadness, joy, peace-I can go forward with my weight loss knowing not that I am doing it for others who probably couldnt care less what I do or dont do-strangers who once held so much power over me - now I am doing it for me for my health for my joy for my life. No longer held captive by the food but freed by the ability to make the right choices one meal at a time.
Love and Marriage-Twogether Forever
When I said I do just 5 short months after meeting my man I am sure I was in lust-my eyes were bigger than my heart and I lept without really checking to be sure I would land on solid ground when I came down off the high of love I was immersed in. 15 years later I have leaped and landed many times-coming down off a high to experience lows of job loss unemployment bankruptcy and other inexplicable losses to go up on a high so far that I never thought I would ever touch the ground. Being in lust grew quickly into love - a love that is a gift only GOD couldve created for us. Unconditional no holds barred love. I never thought I would ever find someone who could love me as much as my man does. He gives me daily doses of love and tells me often that he is proud of me. I never had that growing up - at least not until I was 15 and had a family who not only gave me a home but allowed my heart to heal and realize that love didnt come with conditions. Such is my marriage a space created to bring into completion that which GOD drew on our hearts 15 yrs ago and is still making into the most unique tapestry to ever exist. A love that grows daily through the midst of challenges and intense joy. A love that has never been created before-just made for us to continue on the journey-to experience each other and to know that this love is a unconditional devoted covenant that is developing every day-to know such love is to be given a gift-a glimpse of the love of Christ here on earth.
Growing Up
I realized the other day just how fast my kids are growing up showing independance developing skills that will give them abilities to take into becoming an adult. My son made his first stove top dinner the other day and I think back to when he burned his tiny hand on the stove cause he didnt know the meaning of HOT till he experienced it for himself-while the scars have healed the memories of that day came flooding back when he cooked Kraft Dinner-oh what a change that was!! And my daughter getting ready for school doing her hair getting her lunch and making sure she has everything she needs for a day at school. Watching her on the phone talking to her grandma making plans when looking back at age 3 to a 10 word vocabulary. Oh to hear her now-you would never know there was ever an issue. Watching my kids growing up and reflecting on the past seeing the progress the transition they are making from my kids to my young adults from clinging toddlers to independant teens. Knowing I somehow had a piece of this that I did good and that I knew what I was doing even on those days when I am sure we all questioned if I really did know what was going on.
I am proud of the young people I have raised proud of their independance their lives-they are doing amazing and even though there are challenges and we face battles I still know they are very gifted wonderful people and I am ever grateful that I have been able to have the honor of being their mom.
I am proud of the young people I have raised proud of their independance their lives-they are doing amazing and even though there are challenges and we face battles I still know they are very gifted wonderful people and I am ever grateful that I have been able to have the honor of being their mom.
Sometimes we all need a space to come to-to release our feelings tell our thoughts or just let things go. Sometimes there isnt anyone to share with or that we think would want to hear our concerns. I feel as if I need to go into a quiet place to release things to challenge myself to look inward instead of expecting people to fill my needs. GOD ultimately is the only one who can do that and I need to focus on HIM.
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