Being Real....God doesn't make mistakes...

How often have we failed?  And thought there is no way God could still love us?  Maybe we've done something that has caused us to question our very foundation.  Doubting we could ever be forgiven.  Christ has mercy on us.  And when we seek forgiveness HE gives it without any conditions.  His love never fails.

I remember as a teen making decisions that turned people against me.  I did whatever I could to be rejected.  I didn't want to liked.  Yet despite all my efforts some people still liked me.  Some I'm even friends with today.  I grew up in a home where love was fleeting and anger was front and center.  I didn't know what acceptance was.  I became defensive, battered and bruised.

The battles scars lasted till I was a young adult.  And even then the gaping wounds in my heart were still evident by my behavior.  Through counselling...therapy and prayer I began to see who I was in Christ.  Not a burden.  Not a mistake.  No longer a victim I began to look into who God was.  In my first year of bible college I took a course on the FATHER...HEART IF GOD.

I began to realize who this man in the bible really was.  Not just a fictional character in a book called the bible.  Not just a story I heard in Sunday school.  But someone who loved me unconditionally.  Someone who accepted me as HIS own.  ABBA father.  EL SHADDAI.  Since my earthly father seemed mire like a fictional character who ignored all the signs of abuse I hadn't been able to trust men.

Men were manipulative, abusers, liars.  And the ones I did trust were few and far between.  God broke through the barriers and time and time again HE proved HE was worthy.  Not because I deserved it.  But because that is who HE US.  For the first time in my life I could let my guard down and trust HIM.  When I finally accepted Christ it was with an open heart...healed from my past.  Knowing I was healed because if the price HEA PAID.  

The scars I suffered on earth were nothing compared to The ones HE bore at Calvary.  He wiped my tears and assured me HE would never leave me nor forsake me.  HE filled my spirit and showed me the life HE intended me to have.  And as I've grown up I've been able to see many of HIS  promises come true.  I've had my challenges but God has been there every step of the way.  Walk in faith...trust HIM....And know you are loved beyond measure.  You are not a mistake

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In life some things frustrate you and it always surprises me how much energy I put into stressing about something-the other night while doing some planning for our family mini vacation I inadvertantly allowed a program to register on my computer-while doing that I ended up with a virus on my computer-3 to be exact-I got them all cleared up but now cant reply on Facebook-either this is a glitch as a result of the other stuff or GOD is trying to tell me something. You know the old saying think before you speak-yep that one. Well GOD has been working this yr on my speech-how I say things when I say things and most importantly to whom I say things. I have prayed and asked GOD to show me these things to reveal to me what needs to be said. And in doing that I have realized there is a lot I say and post that doesnt need to be said. Better left unsaid or so the saying goes. So for now while many can read this blog-I cannot respond to it-its funny cause now it doesnt seem to matter if I cant respond. I am getting a lot done at home now that my time isnt caught up in cyberspace. It's making me consider just how much I really need a computer and what I have been missing staring at this screen for so many yrs-oh I know computers are wonderful and contribute a lot to my life-its what is on it that has got me reconsidering what I am really needing. For now till I get things figured out the only thing on my screen will be pics of my family and that will be my focus - something that I shouldve seen a long time ago. What's on your screen-are you consumed by the computer or is it as it should be a tool for learning for growth and for research. Or is it like me an extension that I am finding I need to be released from and see what has been right in front of me the whole time. I am finding the view a lot more pleasant than I expected on the other side of the screen.
And I am not missing being "involved" on the internet as much as I thought I would. Life offline is becoming what it should be-the only "life" I really need.

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Christmas is Coming

Tis the season-to get even busier than we are now-seems like some things end for a time only to allow other events activities schedules to come in. We are done with Single Parents for the season-we meet again in January-we had our ladies brunch to end our bible study last week. So for now 2 things are done. Dh and I take a break in December for nursery and ushering. Seems like things are still busy kids school stuff to handle-Jordan will be skiing starting in a couple weeks. He is looking forward to it and cant wait to go to the mountains to ski at the end of the season. Caitlin is enjoying school going swimming and helping me with ministry. She has gotten to be such a great helper in nursery-I dont know what I would do without her. Cards to get done, gifts to wrap, people to see, things to do. Some days I wish I had more time other times I wish I had less. While we get caught up in all that has to be done I cant help but wonder what it was like when stores didnt exist, when people gathered in homes to celebrate Christ and not Christmas. Was it simpler than less planning less prep. Or was it just as busy as we are now just with a different focus. I am not sure but I do know that I am not willing to settle on anything less than giving GOD all the glory for this time. The stores will be there next yr as will everything else we think we need but GOD at this time of yr needs us to be closer to HIM than ever-and in this season of busyness-my heart and mind will be on GOD. Are you remembering why we have Christmas or like so many do you have your lists your schedule and are you just taking a few seconds mere moments to appreciate the reason this season even exists.

Weight loss Journey

Does one ever not experience challenges with weight-either too much or too little. Are we ever content with who we are. My journey with weight started at birth at 4 lbs 4 oz I was tiny and had medical conditions with my heart that rendered me crippled till age 2-after 2 surgeries and much healing I was able to walk to talk to giggle to eat without tubes or any other supports. Then my adopted parents who thought I was tiny created the first fissure in my eating habits-they would force me to eat till I would throw up and then make me finish that which was left on my plate. My grandma was never like that and didnt like to see me being forced to finish. When I was full at her house it didnt matter what was on my plate I was DONE.
Then my parents divorced and my step mom started her journey of damage that would take over my life till I turned 15-eating became a defence, a way to avoid speaking of having to interact with a woman who for all intents and purposes was torturing me. Taped cupboards held no barrier for me-frozen lunches were tossed in favor of whatever I could make at home after school-taking whatever wouldnt be noticed immediately or that wasnt needed for dinner that night. I ate to live I lived to eat-I wasnt overweight but I wasnt concerned about watching what I was putting in my body.
Then foster care portion control chores and farm life-I looked good I ate even better-it was healthy wholesome and I didnt have to starve myself nor did I have to binge eat. I could eat when meals were on the table without feeling like an outsider. It was the first time I allowed myself the privledge of enjoying time with family. And allowed myself to enjoy food instead of using it as an obstacle or as a punishment.
When I lost my first baby I again turned to food-I wanted to experience the power of its comfort the security I knew from eating. I gained weight but still wasnt big.
Then my second loss and food became a defense from the pain-erasing memories each bite I took.
3 months after our wedding I was pregnant again and didnt really care what I looked like I was pregnant and could handle eating. Little did I know it was the start of my journey to being bigger than I had ever been in my life. After another pregnancy 15 months after our daughter was born I was already living a pattern of over eating of giving my body pleasure from food instead of reaching inside to the person I was masking with all the food.
I ballooned to just under 350 lbs and was shocked to see the weight plain as day on the scale-I bemoaned the fact that I couldnt be obese that I couldnt have diabetes that I couldnt have joint problems and all the other associated medical conditions. I thought I was doing great but inside I was destroying any last vestige of who I really was-defenseless I allowed food to control who I was-and it was safe - no one could get close-no hurt cause they couldnt really see me beyond the weight I was carrying. I was carrying a life sentence and didnt care that it was going to cause a lot of problems far beyond the ones I was already experiencing.
When the dr told me I was heavier than I had been 9 months pregnant and I had trouble keeping up with my kids and could hear people talking about my weight and teens teasing me about being FAT I lost it. I determined then and there to keep up with my kids to look those people in the face and tell them the truth-to go up to those teens and ask them how it felt to be talked about. I knew then that I had to go on a journey one that would take determination courage and constant vigilance if I was to ever get off the weight.
A journey started and over the last 5 yrs with encouragement from my family and determination I have managed to lose 110 lbs I still have 60-80 to go to reach my ideal weight-it has been anything but easy-I havent done a diet I havent joined a weight plan - its been me and GOD and being cognizant of what I am putting in my mouth. I still face many obstacles - I have to realize that when challenges come I dont need food to fill the gap. I have to realize when no one is around that I dont need to fill the silence with food. I can be content and full on life. I can eat 3 meals a day and feel safe knowing there will still be food tomorrow and the next day and the next day. That no one is going to take it away no one is going to beat me from it and that I can enjoy it. Emotionally eating has had many facets for me-tears, anger, sadness, joy, peace-I can go forward with my weight loss knowing not that I am doing it for others who probably couldnt care less what I do or dont do-strangers who once held so much power over me - now I am doing it for me for my health for my joy for my life. No longer held captive by the food but freed by the ability to make the right choices one meal at a time.

Love and Marriage-Twogether Forever

When I said I do just 5 short months after meeting my man I am sure I was in lust-my eyes were bigger than my heart and I lept without really checking to be sure I would land on solid ground when I came down off the high of love I was immersed in. 15 years later I have leaped and landed many times-coming down off a high to experience lows of job loss unemployment bankruptcy and other inexplicable losses to go up on a high so far that I never thought I would ever touch the ground. Being in lust grew quickly into love - a love that is a gift only GOD couldve created for us. Unconditional no holds barred love. I never thought I would ever find someone who could love me as much as my man does. He gives me daily doses of love and tells me often that he is proud of me. I never had that growing up - at least not until I was 15 and had a family who not only gave me a home but allowed my heart to heal and realize that love didnt come with conditions. Such is my marriage a space created to bring into completion that which GOD drew on our hearts 15 yrs ago and is still making into the most unique tapestry to ever exist. A love that grows daily through the midst of challenges and intense joy. A love that has never been created before-just made for us to continue on the journey-to experience each other and to know that this love is a unconditional devoted covenant that is developing every day-to know such love is to be given a gift-a glimpse of the love of Christ here on earth.

Growing Up

I realized the other day just how fast my kids are growing up showing independance developing skills that will give them abilities to take into becoming an adult. My son made his first stove top dinner the other day and I think back to when he burned his tiny hand on the stove cause he didnt know the meaning of HOT till he experienced it for himself-while the scars have healed the memories of that day came flooding back when he cooked Kraft Dinner-oh what a change that was!! And my daughter getting ready for school doing her hair getting her lunch and making sure she has everything she needs for a day at school. Watching her on the phone talking to her grandma making plans when looking back at age 3 to a 10 word vocabulary. Oh to hear her now-you would never know there was ever an issue. Watching my kids growing up and reflecting on the past seeing the progress the transition they are making from my kids to my young adults from clinging toddlers to independant teens. Knowing I somehow had a piece of this that I did good and that I knew what I was doing even on those days when I am sure we all questioned if I really did know what was going on.
I am proud of the young people I have raised proud of their independance their lives-they are doing amazing and even though there are challenges and we face battles I still know they are very gifted wonderful people and I am ever grateful that I have been able to have the honor of being their mom.